Swept Under the Rug: Why Some Conversations Never Happen in Black Households
We’ve all been there—sitting at the dinner table or lounging in the living room when something heavy gets brought up. And before you can blink, someone shifts the conversation to anything else but that topic. Welcome to what I like to call “swept under the rug moments”—the things that never get talked about in Black households. Today, we’re diving into two major ones: family criticisms and sex conversations. Trust me, it’s about to get real, but we’re keeping it fun and informative!
The Silent Shade: When Criticism Gets Swept Under the Rug
So, you’re chilling with the family, everyone’s having a good time, when BAM! Someone makes a comment like, “Darrell’s always been a little slow,” or “You know Keisha can’t keep a job.” Ouch, right?
Instead of anyone calling out that person for being disrespectful or asking Darrell or Keisha how they feel, the room falls quiet. Then, someone—usually Grandma or Auntie—will switch the subject faster than you can say, “Pass the mac and cheese,” and that’s that. Conversation swept under the rug.
This is such a common moment in Black households because there’s this unspoken rule: don’t air the family’s dirty laundry, and for heaven’s sake, don’t make things awkward. The problem? That unspoken rule can cause a lot of harm. Criticism without resolution leads to long-term tension, bottled-up emotions, and a family member feeling misunderstood or dismissed.
How to Un-Sweep It:
- Acknowledge it. It’s okay to say, “That comment felt harsh. Maybe we should address why that’s hurtful.”
- Be gentle but direct. For example, “Darrell’s struggling right now, but let’s focus on how we can support him.”
The “Birds and the Bees” That Never Got Buzzed About
Let’s talk about sex…or actually, let’s talk about how many of us never had that conversation with our parents! In a lot of Black households, sex is the ultimate taboo topic. It’s almost like if we never talk about it, it doesn’t exist. Spoiler alert: it does.
Growing up, many of us learned about sex from friends, TV, or that one awkward health class in school. Our parents? Crickets. And when they did bring it up, it was often in the form of warnings: “Don’t get pregnant,” or “Stay away from boys.” Real helpful, right? This lack of open dialogue about sex leaves a lot of young Black people—especially young Black women—feeling confused, ashamed, or unprepared for relationships.
Why It Gets Swept:
- Religion and tradition. Sex is often seen as sacred and only for marriage, so there’s a belief that talking about it will lead to experimentation.
- Generational trauma. There’s a history of controlling Black bodies, and in some families, talking about sex feels like giving up control.
- Fear of judgment. Nobody wants to be labeled “fast” or seen as “too grown.”
But here’s the thing—avoiding the conversation doesn’t stop people from being curious or making choices. It just leaves them to figure things out on their own, which can lead to misinformation and unhealthy relationships with sex.
How to Break the Cycle
- Create Safe Spaces – Make it clear that your home is a judgment-free zone. If someone has a question, they can ask without fear of shame or ridicule.
- Normalize Hard Conversations – Start small. You don’t have to jump into a TED Talk on trauma or give a full biology lesson on sex in one sitting. But casually bringing up these topics in a way that feels natural can make a big difference.
- Use Resources – Books, podcasts, or even TV shows can be great conversation starters. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about fictional scenarios before diving into real-life ones.
- Check Yourself – Before we can start having these conversations with our families, we need to check our own feelings and biases. Are we avoiding these topics because of how we were raised? Have we done the work to break those generational cycles? It starts with us.
Let’s Stop Sweeping
It’s time to pull the rug back and deal with what’s underneath. Whether it’s a harsh family criticism or that sex talk that never happened, we owe it to ourselves and the next generation to start having these conversations. It might feel awkward at first, but the growth, healing, and understanding that can come from addressing these “swept under the rug” moments is priceless.
Your Turn! What are some of the conversations that were “swept under the rug” in your household growing up? How have you or will you approach them differently in your own family? Let’s talk about it in the comments!